My own competition.

Recently, whilst browsing through Facebook, I came across a post which really struck a cord with me.

This post was by fitness model Rachel Mac and it was one of the most honest pieces of writing I have come across in a long time.

She announced to over 53,000 Facebook fans that she is no longer a fitness model anymore, she also apologised for encouraging people to get 'lean' and touting a lifestyle which she said she now realises was 'unbalanced, and ironically, totally unhealthy'.

Her post in which she announces her move away from the industry has helped me to think carefully about the goals I have for my future. After a tough few weeks of mental battering and self-doubt I have realised the importance of finding that life/training balance, and how sometimes you can get so caught up in self-improvement that the important things in life get forgotten.

Of course I want a better body, and I will continue to train until I feel more comfortable, but for me it was never about 'making it in the industry'. I do not want to step on stage in front of lots of people in a very small bikini. I admire girls who have the confidence to do so, but I have watched how the strict lifestyle can leave people desperately unhappy, restricted and resentful. I also would hate the thought of training becoming something I 'had to' do as opposed to something I enjoyed.

The improvements I am making are for me and me alone. They are not to win trophies, prizes, to be better than tonnes of other girls.

I know I'll always be curvy, I'll always have triceps that struggle to tone, thunder thighs and love-handles and I guess you could say I'm okay with that. We have enough to contend with with our own self-doubt than to feel inadequate in front of a panel of people who only get to see your outer beauty.

There is more to me than weight training. I read poetry, and I'm a huge daydreamer. I am loyal and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for those I love. I know my mental limits now and I know that slowly but surely I'll become body confident, but that will be for my own personal stage. I would never want my training to leave me feeling out of control, and after experiencing mental illness with loved ones in the past, I know how important it is to look after your mental health as well as your physical wellbeing.

I would never want people who do compete to think I think what they are doing is wrong and I have many friends who plan on doing so in the future who I will be supporting completely. 

It's about finding your own target to meet and if that is where you want to be than I applaud your self-motivation immensely. Unfortunately for me I will always be a 'behind the scenes' kind of girl who is just making herself confident, one rep at a time.