Why I'll never compete...

"Why do you diet and train if you aren't competing."

If I had a pound for every person that said this to me lately, I'd have enough money to buy myself a protective shield to defend against the morons who question my motivation.

I have always stood by the fact that I admire those who compete. The sheer guts it takes to step on to that stage and be judged so critically is something that most of us will never have. I am lucky to have some of the most passionate friends in the industry who do compete and I will support them always. Despite admiring those who take the competition plunge, it is something that will never appeal to me.

I've had people say, 'you wait and see' but I really find it hard to believe the urge will come. This weekend I attended the Nationals in Leicester to support my lovely friend Alex in her body fitness comp. Quick cuddles of her extremely brown self before she stepped on stage, I knew she'd done all she could and looked amazing. As she stepped on stage with amazing stage presence and armed with a beaming smile, I felt so proud to be able to be there and support her. Weeks and weeks of hard work and effort, had gone into one 5 minute posing session in which the judges would never be able to see what a kind and genuine person she really is.

I think one of the main things that puts me off competing is the overwhelming fear of hair, tan, makeup, and being judged up against others for all that and more. I am not a girly girl, I live in band t-shirts, leggings and floppy hats, most of my friends are males and the whole fake-tan, fake hair, fake nails etc scares me to death. I once tried to use false eyelashes once and ended up sticking them to my eyebrow - never again!  It also doesn't help that as my weight has disappeared, so have my boobs and I'm pretty convinced I couldn't even fill a bikini now if I wanted to!

As someone who has battled with inner demons for many years, the very idea a panel of people who have no idea of your journey can judge you in five minutes would be detrimental to my confidence and self-esteem. Despite those who say they are 'only in it for the experience' I very much doubt you can avoid feelings of disappointment and upset if you don't place at all.

I think my main emphasis here is everyone's goals are different, and no goal should be deemed inadequate to another. I've seen so much ego bashing on social media lately and the idea of supporting one and other appears to have taken a back seat to dick-measuring and picking apart other's paths. 

When I first started my journey, I wanted to be a size 12. That was my aim, I didn't sit there and think I want a toned physique, I just wanted to be able to walk into a high-street store and be able to pick something off the rails without scrambling to the back for the big girl sizes. Does that mean that because I didn't have a huge aim to step on a stage that my goal was below those who do? Of course not, it was personal to me, and it helped me to stay motivated and reach my target and more.

Before you bare your opinion on someone else's training, remember what your mum used to say "If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." I am all for advising people if they are putting themselves in danger, but this constant comparison of efforts and goals is unfair and could really knock someone's confidence and therefore their progress in the future.

My goals for the future are to continue to work on my body confidence, increase my strength and fall even more in love with the process of self-discovery. I have the greatest support in my coach Gav and my close friends who keep my head above water. It is amazing to feel like people believe in you, but it is even more wonderful when you start to believe in yourself.

Big things are coming, watch this space.