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Tuesday 15 April 2014

Self-doubt.

The English language has always fascinated me. The ability to transfer all the thoughts in our head that are swimming around at one hundred miles per hour, carelessly bashing into one and other, into some sort of order and restrain can often be the cure to many people's downward spiral. Often seeking comfort in knowing that you are not alone in these dark thoughts, because someone else out there has taken the time to write them down and let you know it's okay to doubt yourself, it is normal to not feel happy all of the time, and it's okay to want to change. 

People have often said to me over the last few years 'you've changed' and yes I have. I've changed because where I was a few years ago wasn't where I wanted to be. I've changed because I've grown, priorities have altered and a desire to better myself has emerged from within, where it was often overshadowed by crippling self-doubt and low self esteem. 



Although comfort from words can often be my favourite way of relieving my tired mind, I am also a believer in actions speaking loudly too and instead of simply writing and saying there are things I want to achieve, I am slowly trying to show this through my chosen pathways and decisions I make each day. 

Often people's want to change is there. Their desire for a better body, new career, and lifestyle change are deep cravings, but too often people become fixated with talking about where they want to be, that the path they should be already on is already blocked by potential excuses, worries and 'maybes'

I have recently become blinded by words and lost my way slightly. I think its very important to surround yourself with people who bring out the best in you, and make your passions shine and yet somehow I managed to get myself into a situation where I no longer had the support I needed to succeed and someone else's words controlled how I viewed my own thoughts and plans. I began to let other people's opinions creep in upon my own self-doubt and this effected by training performance and day-to-day happiness. 

I am happy to say I took the plunge and pulled away from things that were dragging me down, sought out further advice from my coach Gav Gillibrand, my good friend Alex O'Hanlon and constant fountain of support the beautiful Sarah-Emma Hughes. Instead of wallowing and taking a step backwards, I channeled my angst into training, and took their good supportive words and allowed myself to gain direction once again. 

To me this is more than just simply looking better, it is a metaphor for my life. Each weight I lift, is knocking down a barrier I have made for myself in the past, it is my way of saying I won't be dragged down by my insecurities. Each rep is my mind reminding myself I am stronger than I think, and each workout is an accomplishment - it's for all those times I couldn't finish a full PE session, or run up the stairs without getting out of breath. Each week I stay on track with my nutrition, plan my meals, and prep each day, is my constant reminder I am in control, the control I lost through my eating disorders and lowest moments. 

I am currently on the most exciting adventure - getting to know my own body, what foods work and what don't, how training can be used cleverly to achieve positive states of mind and ultimately I am testing my strength and bettering not only my old self, but all those doubters and people who have tried to knock me down. 

I am also hoping to channel this positivity into my life in general and hopefully one day I will be able to combine my love for health and nutrition with my love for writing. One thing is for sure, I won't be giving up on my dreams just yet, and although I have tough moments, I'm never down for long. 

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