Binge.

Since my weight-loss journey began, aside from adapting my body, it has also been paramount for me to adapt my relationship with food. 

I'm probably going to divulge into some areas many may be able to relate to here, whilst also getting a bit personally into my past - I must stress this is not for sympathy nor attention but merely my way of ensuring that some of those who may also feel/have felt like me are not alone. 



At 18 months old, my parents divorced and I lived with my mum for the rest of my childhood. Often seeing my dad at weekends I saw comfort in junk food as a rush and a high that was often lacking as he began to start another life with a new partner. 

If they left me in the house to go food shopping, I would sneak into the pantry and go into their chocolate stash. This wasn't because I necessarily wanted the food, it was more the thrill of possibly getting caught and therefore a possible tool for attention. 

This then progressed further when I returned to my mums after the weekend was over with pocket money from my dad. As an only child I never had a brother or sister to fall back on and so heavily relied on my friends for company. With the pocket money handed to me from my dad, I often treated myself and friends to baked goods, fish and chips, and fizzy drinks to sit on the park and share. The guilt I may have had before had therefore been replaced with the positive feeling of sharing, whilst justifying any unhealthy attributes as simply the social norm - "If my friends ate it, then why can't I?"

I guess you could say my binging became subconscious, and my overall weight gain was created through a blasé attitude and an ignorance to the sheer volume I was consuming, usually whilst distracted by the TV or similar. 

Unfortunately, it was only when the penny finally dropped, that we weren't all equal body types, that I finally understood my attitudes as individual. Although at times it seems as though many of our peers can consume 'whatever they fancy' all of the time, in comparison to someone who is consciously aware of eating and enjoys it, they are probably consuming a lot less overall. It was almost as though I knew the junk food was bad, and so it became more desirable, rather than the children who have it offered to them regularly and so the novelty for them tends to have worn out to begin with. 

It's the feeling of temporary satisfaction followed by guilt which lead me to a binge eating spiral mid-way through my journey. I was emerged into a University environment where the social norm was to binge on takeaways and dirty pints. I longed to be able to let myself go enough to enjoy them but the desire to be 'skinny' always over-weighed the want to relax. This therefore meant at times I'd secretly eat and purge the guilt away. 

Lying on my bathroom floor in my University flat, throat burning from stomach acid and back aching from retching, I stood up and caught my reflection: I'd gone full circle - binger to binger, only now the guilt had overwhelmed me completely. I can't tell you exactly what it was that made things change that day, but all I knew was that I had to find my happy medium somehow, before I did myself some serious emotional and physical damage. 

Recently I have been criticised for pushing myself hard for something as simple as a photoshoot - but the date of the shoot marks a year of being completely ED free and in my eyes, the best mental place I have ever been. 

Taking forward the social norm justification as a teen, I now no longer see others around me as a reason to change my behaviour. Yes they may eat whatever they want, but that way of life just simply doesn't work for me and I am learning to accept that. My body is earned and not given - what greater satisfaction than that?

I have also ensured I steer clear of cheat meals throughout my prep as the idea of 'binging' isn't a good emotional tool for me. Of course it has it's place in some people's plans, but alongside IIFYM justification for bad food intake will never be something I could use to achieve my goals. 

To some my lifestyle may seem abnormal, but I have worked hard to achieve satisfaction in all aspects of my life. Slowly but surely I am chipping away at several areas I believe need attention, and this has been done through a pretty strict diet and exercise regime - again, this does not work for everyone, but I am very much an 'all of the cake or none of the cake' kind of girl. 

I guess you could say I've also come to accept that learning to love myself is a slow and steady process, but I am climbing that hill with bigger strides than ever before and I am determined to not stop until I reach the top.