Ready to bloom.

I have been absent from the world of blogging for a little while now, whilst I started to restore some general order in what had become a very cluttered brain of mine.

I feel a little bit of a fraud to offer people advice when my own head isn’t completely settled, and it is often something I see: people dishing out bold statements when their own life doesn't mirror their preaching words.

So here it goes, a little bit about where I am currently at, where I am hoping to be, and all the niggling little thoughts in between.

After years of proclaiming I would never step on stage, I did what everyone said I would and changed my mind. I think if I am being honest a major factor into me being so against the stage lifestyle was the idea of people judging me who didn't know the background I had come from. I do an exceedingly good job of pretending to be confident on the surface, but those that know me well enough will know that the insecure larger Emmy always creeps out eventually.

Around a month ago, after much debating, I approached my new coach for advice on where to take it. I had reached my first goal of a photoshoot, and felt trapped in limbo with training and nutrition as I didn’t have a target in sight. I know some people work exceedingly hard without any real goal, but the difference between me giving 99% and 100% into what I do is definitely when I have something to aim for. That overwhelming ‘can I really be bothered’ attitude that can creep up on us from time to time is quickly drowned out by my new ‘you got a stage ass to work for’ mentality.

After deciding I did want to grace the stage, I knew I had a lot of work to do to get there. I am naturally of stocky build with ‘thick limbs’ as I like to call it. I am only 5ft4 and have big stocky legs and I am definitely not built for bikini, this therefore meant I would have to enter a category which relied on more muscle tone and a lot of building.

The mental aspect of this is the hardest thing for me to grasp, the idea that me, an ex-fatty, has to build muscle and essentially put on weight, was terrifying, but for the first time in ages I am not focused on being lean, I’m focusing on fuelling and putting everything I can into some really heavy weight sessions.

I am aiming to compete late next year which gives me several months of improvement time. Knowing myself well enough, I will give it everything I have, but if I do not feel ready, I will not put myself through the stage experience. I want to go on stage thinking that I could win, I’m not only doing it for the experience, I’m doing it to know that I couldn’t have worked any harder, and I’m doing it because a year ago I told myself I couldn’t – this is a bid for a trophy, and a prize in confidence.

Despite deciding to compete, I’m still remaining focused on improving my career, lifestyle and relationships. I have taken some time off twitter to focus primarily on my own goals rather than becoming bogged down with comparisons and outsider opinion.

The fitness industry is amazing for support, but can also be a catalyst for self-doubt. I know my body may not be as amazing as the pros, but slowly but surely I am chipping away, day by day, to create the best version of myself.

So here’s to 2015, I know already it’s going to a crazy one. Big thanks to the supportive bunch, who keep me ticking over, especially Serene Husseini whose belief in me adds daily fuel to my fitness fire.

I wish everyone luck with their goals for the future, don’t let doubt stop you from blooming.