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Tuesday 15 October 2013

strong vs skinny.


As an overweight teenager I always dreamt of being thin. I obsessed over girls who could eat what they liked and skill maintain a slender figure. I even went as far as wishing so desperately to be skinny that every birthday I blew out my candles and said quietly in my head 'I wish I could be skinny'.

It upsets me to think how many girls are trapped in the ideology that thin is beautiful. It upsets me even more to think how much time and emotions I spent stressing over my own figure. Trapped in a vicious circle of comfort eating because I wasn't 'thin' which was then escalating the problem and sending me further and further away from where I wanted to be at the time.

Even years later when I began my weight loss journey, my mentality still remained very much about aiming to be 'skinny', I wanted the thin legs, toned stomach, little arms - that airbrushed 'perfect' body we are constantly subjected to in the media every single day.

As the pounds began to slowly drop, I became obsessed with monitoring the movement on the scales and stared for hours in the mirror wondering why I didn't look like all the girls in the magazines.

And then something changed. I'd love to pinpoint the moment I learned to accept I was never going to be a twig, but I couldn't tell you exactly when it was. All I know is that discovering weight training was a huge part of developing a love for my natural curves.


My body is far from perfect. I've always been particularly bottom heavy, and this has become more and more defined since losing weight around my waist and stomach. For years I obsessed over having 'thin' legs but the truth is, I'm a small curvy girl with a big bum - thin just isn't me.

Becoming more toned over the last year has allowed me to accept the way my body is naturally built and helped me work towards improving my major hang-ups, like my thighs, by adding more definition - not by trying to desperately decrease them in size.

There was a time I was guilty of being a cardio bunny, and would sit for hours in the gym monitoring the calories I had burnt in a session. Luckily, discovering a love for weight training has allowed that monitoring to disappear and be replaced by a target setting routine involving lifting as heavy as I can.

I have also stopped obsessing over the scales. Yes they can tell me a number - but they can't tell me how hard I am working, how much I've progressed and how determined I am to succeed. I have finally learnt that my weight does not define me and that little box does not control my happiness. 

Thankfully my family have also noticed my body has developed into a much more solid and stronger-looking frame. To them I know at one stage they believed I'd taken my weight loss too far, so to hear my mum and others describe me as 'strong' is both refreshing and rewarding.

Rather than obsessing over the unachievable body, I have begun to learn to love the one I have. I have moments of self doubt like most people, and I can often find myself picking fault with my appearance and wanting to improve in certain areas, but gone are the days of wanting to look in the mirror and see 'thin'. A strong body for me signifies the journey I have been through, it tells me I am looking after my health and it let's others know I am determined to succeed.  Of course people have a much better bodies than I do, but my body is the best it's ever been and I have learned to accept that that my body is mine to improve, but also mine to eventually learn to love.

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