The thin ideal.

For as long as I can remember I have always been aware of my weight and even though as a teenager I was severely overweight and unhappy, this did not stop me from sitting comfortably in a vicious cycle of over-indulgence and self-loathing.

As a child I'd always been the bigger girl with a huge appetite, surrounded by thinner children who mum said had 'good genes'. As children we are fed sweets on tap, and tend to grow up very unaware of the damage food can do to our bodies.

I would never blame my parents for my excessive weight gain as when I was old enough to make my own decisions I chose kebabs and cakes over fruit every time. I'd spend my pocket money in the chip shop and buy sweets and chocolates to share with my friends. Shared between divorced parents I would often eat separate meals at both their houses, gorging on twice as much food as necessary and keeping the reality of that hidden from them both.

My dad has always been a weight-conscious person. As an overweight child himself he made the turn-around just as I did around the age of 18. He discovered bodybuilding and even dabbled in steroids and other means in order to manipulate his body shape. I guess I've always felt the pressure to become aesthetically pleasing to him and I knew that when I sorted my physique out he would  be proud of me. You'd think knowing this would have spurred me on sooner, but as a rebellious teenager I became stuck in the stubborn rut of 'take me as I am or not at all.'

My parents did try several times to help me lose weight, and sadly my grandparents even offered me £1000 if I 'lost a stone'. The more people began to get on at me, the more I dug my heels in and protested. I know they had my best interests at heart but at the time I couldn't believe they weren't accepting of the person I was - big or not. 

The change happened for me when I decided I was ready to take control. I've always been very strong-willed, stubborn and feisty but I'd come to the conclusion that I wanted to change for myself, not because others were asking me to. I think this is vitally important for successful weight loss, changing for you and you alone means you stay much more focused.

The irony of my whole journey is now I am completely emerged within fitness, they find it difficult to comprehend that it has become such a huge part of my life. Once I'd lost the weight, although they were proud, I think they hoped that would be it, and that it would stop being such a big part of my life. The typical 'diet' mentality which suggests a temporary fix and not a long-term lifestyle change.

Part of my future plans is to hopefully help people who are younger  understand food, its benefits and teach them to become body confident. The role-models often looked upon by teenagers tend to be thin singers, actresses and models who teach young girls that thin is beautiful. If we can make the mentality change from 'thin' to 'healthy' we can start to mould a society that does not fear food, and a generation of strong people who grow up to love the body they have created.  

I also hope when the time comes I will teach my own children the importance of living healthily not only so they can be confident and strong, but so that they never have to feel any of the unhappiness with their own bodies like I did.